Writers are Magic
Heather Havrilesky taught me how to turn my worst flaws into something I want to share with everyone.
Trying to resolve the paradox of my emotional life has been a lot lately. I’ve been swirling around in the rocks and rapids of emotional healing big time for the past few years. I’m feeling things so much bigger and more powerfully. I can tell the difference between what I want and what someone else wants. The emotional bonds I feel for the people I love, especially those closest to me, is deeper and richer than I thought possible. Charlie and I can talk about topics that would have triggered us into next week just a few years ago. Not to mention how good the sex is feeling. It’s exhilarating!
I can also see with excruciating clarity so many more layers of my true motivations and emotions. Much of my lifelong quest for love and truth was actually a quixotic pilgrimage to my childhood dysfunction. I thought my ability to withstand pain meant I was good at relationships so I loved to suffer. It proved I was strong. Seeing these things clearly is the emotional equivalent of trying on bathing suits under florescent lights. It’s torture!
I didn’t know it was possible to feel simultaneously the strongest and the most vulnerable I’ve ever been. How can I trust anything I think I want when I can see so clearly the attachment wound peaking out from behind my strongest convictions. And am I really supposed to just go around feeling sad because something is making me sad for the rest of my life? What the fuck? Who has time for that?
Did I mention that I’ve also rediscovered my anger? Good bye inner child and hello inner teenager. She’s kind of a bitch if I’m being honest.
I’m coming to realize that I have to mourn past relationships in whole new ways. I’m not just sad about a breakup, I’m sad that what I thought was healthy love was more akin to me enjoying loving someone and them enjoying being loved. Before, I only knew how to give. Now I’m learning to take and it’s hard. And the part of me that has been starving for this food is diving in like a stoner to a bag of Cheetos. Digging in with both hands because it feels so good to gorge on my feelings. And then I wake up the next morning covered in crumbs, orange fingerprints covering the couch. Ashamed of the mess and trying to clean it up before anyone notices.
The paradox of these two conflicting forces has been making it hard for me to find my footing. Which side do I nurture in each moment? Should I use my strength to hold myself up or use my vulnerability to let myself cry? How much should I protect myself and how much should I open up? Am I genius or a dumbass?
In truth, I already know the answer. It’s always both/and. The discord only hurts when I think I have to chose a side. The Ask Polly article in my inbox last month reminded me of this truth at the exact moment I needed to hear it. I read it twice and cried each time.
This is why creators like writers and artists are magic. They find a way to turn their most vulnerable selves into an avatar. Something that can go out and be shown to the world but can’t be hurt by it. That avatar somehow finds its way to someone with that same vulnerable self hiding inside. It has the power to show that hidden self what it needs to know. Makes it feel safe to come closer to the surface.
So that’s what I’m trying to do with this article. I want to share Heather Havrilesky’s advice with as wide an audience as possible so it can do more magic. And selfishly, I want my own hidden self to be known and understood so that I can stop hiding it.
I also hope that in writing these words I will be encouraging more people to make some magic of their own. To find a way to turn your own hidden self into a creation that has the power to heal without risk of being hurt. I’m using art created by my friends for this newsletter because I’ve been learning how to do this magic from them already. I want their hidden selves to get a chance to land with the right person and work their magic also.
If you found some magic in any of the work I shared here or if you’ve got an avatar of your own to share, I’d love to hear more about it because I’m at the beginning of this journey. Let me learn from you.
Rachel Moore is a somatic sex and relationship coach based in Cincinnati Ohio. She specializes in working with people who are neurodivergent to help them learn and practice the skills needed to have successful relationships in the real world. You can learn more or book a free consultation call below.