Only a Paradox is True

Healing has shown me conflicting things about who I really am. So who am I really?

Painting by Kat Pope and Rachel Moore. Photo by Rachel Moore

The paradox of what I feel and think has been a lot lately. I’ve been swirling around in the rocks and rapids of emotional healing big time the past two years. It’s been full of extreme opposites. I’m feeling things so much bigger and more powerfully. I can tell the difference between what I want and what the person I love wants. The emotional and even spiritual bond with my husband is deeper than I knew was possible. We can talk about topics that would have triggered us into next week just a few years ago. Sex has never felt so good. It’s exhilarating!

And…

I can also see with excruciating clarity new layers of my motivations and emotions. How much of my quest for love and truth and beauty is actually a quixotic pilgrimage to childhood dysfunction. I thought my ability to withstand pain meant I was good at relationships. That meanwhile part of me loves to suffer because it proves I’m strong. Seeing these things clearly is the emotional equivalent of trying on a bathing suit under florescent lights. It’s torture!

I didn’t know it was possible to feel the strongest and the most vulnerable I’ve ever been at the exact same time. How can I trust anything I think I want now that I can clearly see the attachment wound peaking out from behind my strongest convictions. And what the fuck? Am I really supposed to just go around feeling sad because something is making me sad for the rest of my life? Who has time for that?

Did I mention that I’ve also rediscovered my anger?

I’m coming to realize that I have to mourn past relationships and hurts all over again. I’m not just sad about a break up. I’m sad that what I thought was healthy love was actually the feeling of giving love to someone who loved receiving. Before, I only knew how to push love out. Now I’m learning to take love in. It’s hard.

The part of me that has been starving to feel my own emotions is diving in like a stoner to a bag of Cheetos. Digging in with both hands because it feels so good to gorge myself on sadness and anger. Then I wake up the next morning covered in crumbs, orange fingerprints covering the couch. Ashamed of the mess and trying to clean it up before anyone notices.

The paradox of these two conflicting forces has made it hard to find my footing. Which side do I nurture in each moment? Should I use my strength to hold myself up or use my vulnerability to let myself cry? How much should I protect myself and how much should I open up? Am I genius or a dumbass?

Of course, I already know the answer. It’s always both/and. The discord only hurts when I think I have to chose a side. I have to keep picking the choice that feels like the right one in the moment. Then I have to remember to hold that choice lightly and to be kind to myself when I make the wrong choice. It’s so simple it seems complex. A paradox. Because only a paradox is true.

If you go deep enough into anything you think you know for sure, eventually you will find a way that the opposite is also true. We’re all made of particles and waves. A blind animal need to survive and a limitless ability to love animate us all. Believing one side is real and the other an illusion blinds you to half of reality.

At this moment, the people running my country are taking steps that will cause unbelievable pain and suffering for no purpose other than greed. This is true. The old system was already causing unbelievable pain and suffering. The things we will do to survive and counteract these steps will teach us how to build a new system with less pain and suffering. This is also true. Holding both of those thoughts simultaneously is only sane path I’ve found.

So if you are feeling a little crazy right now, congratulations. You’re feeling something true.

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